ECCENTRIC ORBIT #43
by Don Dailey
For the past 40+ years my dear mother has pestered me with "What are you going to be when you grow up?" So, after completing a 20-year career in the military and retiring, and despite being more than half-way to retirement eligibility as a teacher, I've made a momentous decision. When I grow up I'm going to be a "conspiracy theorist."
Why conspiracy theory? Because it's so much fun. If you don't like the theories currently floating around on TV, in the movies, or on the internet, you can just invent your own. Who's to say if you are right or wrong?
When the "Titanic" sailed on her maiden voyage in April 1912, she was in fact the troubled Olympic and she was supposed to sink. The plan, the "Titanic" was to hit an iceberg and go down in the middle of the day. The ship would be literally in sight of no less than 8 other ships at the time and all the crew and passengers would be saved. The insurance would pay off handsomely, the Olympic would be gotten rid of , and the "unsinkable" Titanic would sail on as the Olympic. The trouble is, the ship hit an iceberg in the middle of the night, 10 hours before she was supposed to, and nearly 200 miles from the planned collision site with "rescue" ships. The evidence collected by the authors raises as many questions as it answers, but the book is still a good read.
But the greatest theory has to be the "Great Spam Conspiracy." According to a Top Secret document recently leaked to an unidentified journalist, the "Roswell Event" is confirmed as an alien landing. These aliens have been dealing with our government in secret since 1947. The aliens have digestive problems and certain "glandular secretions" from humans help them overcome these problems. Something like a diabetic needing insulin. In return for allowing abductions of humans for these secretion exractions, the aliens have given our government such secret stuff as transistors and Velcro. But here's the catch. For the secretion to work best and taste good to the aliens, the human donors must ingest great quantities of SPAM! Believe it or not, the legendary "mystery meat in a can" makes us taste better to beings from another world!
So, in the name of good interplanetary relations, I humbly make the following suggestion. During the next informal get together in Dave's back yard, let's ditch the hamburgers and have SPAMburgers instead. A few SPAMkabobs on the grill, and Lynn can make her legendary "dip stuff" with SPAM instead of beef. We can invite the Monty Python Flying Circus singing Vikings over for a few rousing verses of the "SPAM song." And I'm working on a recipe for SPAM and noodles. If that doesn't get us abducted by our alien friends, maybe the guys in the white coats will take us to quiet, soft rooms somewhere. That's strange, I just realized my copy of "Hawaii's SPAM cookbook (containing more that 50 strange ways to prepare SPAM) was published by Interplanetary Press in Roswell. I wonder......
REMEMBER WHEN....
Forwarded by William (Andy) Andrews
Computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin to a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright.
Now they all mean different things.
And that really megabytes!
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did with garbage
Not something you did with a file.
And if you unzipped in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick with my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.
But when it happens they wish they were dead .....
Top 15 Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
Forwarded by William (Andy) Andrews
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken . . ."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1. "...Amen"
Sarah S. Andrews