HUMOUR
Since humour is necessary our friend Pam Barker sent us a couple of things.
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
[sent to you from The Well by Jerry Forshey]
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition-even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
The Chief of Police is always black.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
The Politically-Correct 12 Days of Christmas (to the tune of)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival, my significant other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
- 12 males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming;
- 11 Scottish pipers who are expressing their sensitive, inner female side by wearing skirts;
- 10 melanin-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class leaping;
- 9 persons engaged in rythmic self-expression.
- 8 economically-disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved bovines;
- 7 endangerred swans swimming on federally-protected wetlands;
- 6 enslaved fowls producing ovum;
- 5 golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned, enforced domestic incarceration;
- 4 hours of captive bird songs;
- 3 French female, domestic avians;
- 2 more captive love birds;
- And a spotted owl chained to an Old Growth Tree.
The next meeting of the Circle of Janus Science Fiction Club will be Saturday January 3, 1998 at the Children's Museum. Doors open between 6:30 and 7:00 pm with election of officers at 8:00 pm.
