From: Stephen W. Bridge, 72320,1642

Received this from a friend. I have no idea as to the original author.

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES !!

     The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to 
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal 
of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other 
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

     Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the 
North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.  
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished 
Santa's market share and they could not sit idly by and permit further 
erosion of the profit picture.

     The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the 
purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. 
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the 
Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack 
with no discernible loss of service.  Reduction in reindeer will also 
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been 
cited and received unfavorable press.

     I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not 
be disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North 
Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the 
earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, 
but from substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into 
the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an 
unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of 
context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

     As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require 
the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.  
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take 
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

 -  The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never 
turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a 
plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in 
maintenance.

 -  The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is 
simply not cost effective.  In addition, their romance during working 
hours could not be condoned.  The positions are therefore eliminated.

 -  The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone 
loves the French. 

 -  The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice 
mail system, with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to 
determine who the birds have been calling, and how long they talked.

 -  The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of 
Directors.   Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have 
negative implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into 
other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology 
stocks appear to be in order.

 -  The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no 
longer be afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of 
one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection 
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every 
goose it gets will be a good one.

 -  The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in 
better times.  Their function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans 
are on order.  The current swans will be retrained to learn some 
new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

 -  As you know the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under 
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the work 
force is being sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end 
job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the 
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. 

 -  Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This 
function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can 
no longer do the steps.

 -  Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus 
the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation 
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work 
congressmen.  While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the 
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed 
congressmen this year.

 -  Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a 
simple case of the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string 
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings 
which will drop right down to the bottom line. 

 -  We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, 
animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that 
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  
If we can drop shipping to one day, service levels will be improved.

 - No comment is available on the lawsuit filed by the attorney's 
association seeking expansion to include the legal profession 
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), because action is pending.

 -  Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be 
necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, 
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White 
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.







 

  

   

  
 
 

  

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